Paranoid

All moms are paranoid to some extent when it comes to parenting. Am I doing this right, am I totally screwing this child up, is my child still breathing in their crib, is my child developing ok, etc. Some of it is certainly healthy analysis but definitely some paranoia in there as well.

Our son was feeling crummy on Sunday so I was attempting to hold him and rock him to sleep as opposed to putting him in his crib to fall asleep on his own. I rarely rock him to sleep because he falls asleep so quickly by just placing him in his crib with his favorite blanket and pacifier. While attempting to soothe his fussiness and rock him to sleep, Z was fighting it and fighting me - flailing around like he really just wanted me to lay him down and leave him alone. I found myself fighting back, trying to convince him to let me rock him and asking myself, "does he not trust me enough to fall asleep in my arms? Have I screwed this up already?! Is he not attaching to me?" Poor Z, the little guy was feeling crummy already and here I was forcing my insecurities on him, making him let me rock him to sleep. He finally gave in.

Z has been with us now 6 months and lately I find myself psycho analyzing (attempting!) his every facial expression, his reactions to my voice, my affection, his reactions to me soothing him, playing with him - you name it. I am totally putting this guy under the microscope. I'm waiting for him to roll his eyes at me.

When I find myself feeling nutty over attachment and bonding, I have to remind myself of how his face lights up when he sees me, how he claps his hands and flaps his arms when I pick him up from the church nursery or return home when he has been with a babysitter, or how when he bonked his head the other day he only wanted me to hold him, and how he snuggles up close to me when he first wakes up and "mouths" my cheek in an attempt to give me kisses.

Ah well, I'm sure it won't be my last crazy mom moment. It will be for today though since all the kids are thankfully in bed!